All over the place

My house finally sold.

It's a bizarre feeling; mostly relief, with a touch of nostalgia, and a tiny voice that echoes, "Now what will you call home?" But the lack of responsibility overrides this. How nice it is to finally not have to worry about a mortgage and all the lovely added expenses of being a homeowner. I'd love to own a home again someday, but next time, by choice.
So... I don't know. I don't have a sense of home anymore, at least not the way my peers do. My home is here in Davis now, but I still don't know where everything is, and I miss the mastery that only growing up in a town can bring. Visiting the desert will probably expose my true feelings about all this -- I mean, 500 miles is a very convenient buffer and I'm very much removed from it all.

Except I still miss my father these days. Every time someone says,"He'd be so proud!", it makes me happy for second, then I realize that yeah, he would be... but he's not here. As much as I'd like to use that as my motivation, he's not here, and there is no substitute for that deep bellied laugh and bear hug that I once relied on.
It doesn't bother me on a daily basis; in fact, it is a rare evening that I find myself with tears in my eyes. For the most part, I feel like just another student on campus... until I hear others referring to their parents. And because I am a freshman, I am surrounded by 18 year olds -- so there's a lot of college adjustment and parental involvement issues. Students that are legally independent yet so very very very dependent on their parents, whether they'd like to admit it or not. It's almost reassuring to know that I don't have to answer to anyone, and that my motivations to be in school are solely my own, without any external pressures or expectations. Then again, my father was not one to parent that way anyway, so with him dead or alive, I'd still have the freedom to find my own way in life.

Wait a minute... am I actually glad to be an orphan? God no. I'm just all the more appreciative of the dad I had. Some parents are friggin' crazy. And some of their kids are.. well, oblivious to life outside of school. It's kind of nice to be among them, to feel like a carefree student... with a smirk on my face. Anytime I feel like I've gotten a slow start, I remember that I'm already done with some of the most difficult parts of life.

On a much lighter note... The Tour of California starts tomorrow right here in Davis. Mark wants to go check out the crowd in the AM... then we'll probably come home and camp out on the corner, because the race route passes right by our neighborhood. Should be fun!

If I want to get up before 10 am, I'd better go to bed.